Sometimes life will hand you the most wonderful things. Then all of sudden strike down with something so horrible you would think it was a nightmare. I've had my fair share of these moments, but I've learned something from it all and that is whatever makes you weak will make your soul strong. The most toughest moments have even taught me how to let go of a love so deep it almost took me down with it. Your probably wondering what could happen that could bring you down so low you don't even want to go on?
Well I'll tell you. You fall in love and become in love. I was eighteen and just finishing high school. My best friend and I were always hanging out and enjoying each others company. I should say we had been friends since we were little.
That's right we grew up together. We were more like boyfriend and girlfriend. We adored one another to the point we were in love. We did everything together. We went through trouble times and the best of times. We would sit in the cafe after school and talk for hours like we had never talked to each other before. There were times when we got all dressed up and he would take me dancing. He taught me how to tango. I already knew how to dance and enjoyed it very much since I was once on the dance team.
Other nights we would cuddle on the sofa watching TV and funny movies. Our Favorite show was Seventh Heaven. Some nights we would go shopping at the mall. I loved shopping with him. He would pick out the most adorable clothing for me to try on. He had a sense of style. When we weren't together we were on the phone or computer with one another. You couldn't keep us apart.
My friends name was Ryan. He was a ball of life. Always made me laugh and would always tickle me to death to the point I was rolling around on the floor begging him to stop because I hurt from laughing so hard.
He loved telling jokes. His favorite to tell were red neck. I have know idea why, but its just what he liked to tell. He had a very passionate caring side about him too. He would always think of the most unique ways of helping those in need. Including me.
My life at home was a mess and very abusive so he would usually come and cheer me up and help me with whatever I needed. He was the arms that held me when I was crashing down and full of tears and sadness. He put life into me. Everything he touched became exciting and full of life. He always put smiles on everyone face including mine. He loved to turn a bad day into a great day and man did he know how.
His favorite thing to do was play hockey and tennis with me. He would usually kick my butt at all games, including video. We loved playing the Tony Hawk Skate Boarding Game on the Playstation 2. One night though I kicked his butt bad with all the little tricks the little boarder dudes do on the game.
Some of the other things we enjoyed doing was going to the fairs in the fall and eating all the yummy food. Then, we would go look at all the animals in the barn because I just adored them and had to. Other times we went to the movies and he would always grab a bag of chocolate covered raisins and throw them during a funny since in a movie that way everyone was laughing and not pay attention.
He really thought that was the funniest thing ever.
Sometimes we would just ride bikes and go fishing on nice days. Although when we went fishing he would fish and catch fish, and I would catch turtles for some reason. So then he came up with the nickname Turtle for me and that's what he called me.
We were very good friends and could always tell what was on each others minds and the moods we were in. We knew how each others day was going and what each other liked and loved.
However, I didn't see something in him. Ryan was carrying feelings of being lost and had emptiness in him. There was this hole no one could fill. He wanted out of the world and I didn't even know it. He hid his feelings so well underneath his bright happy face. No one thought he would ever harm himself. They just couldn't see it. I couldn't even believe it.
Eventually he started to become depressed and began talking to me more and more about this hole he had inside him. He didn't know why he felt the way he did because he had everything he ever wanted. Great grades, awesome parents, and amazing girlfriend ( Me)! He was even popular, had it all, but he wasn't happy.
I asked, "What is making you feel this way"?
He said, "I don't know? I feel like I have to be something I'm not".
I asked, " What do you mean"
He said "Well everyone thinks everything just comes easy for me and I work so hard"!
I said" Well I know that"!
He said, " But the rest of the world doesn't"!
I didn't understand where all this was coming from or what he was even talking about at times. Days began to go on and Ryan started to become this complete mess. No one was sure what was wrong with him. I couldn't even figure it out.
I started to notice he began writing happy faces on the calendar. One of the dates was my birthday, October 14th on a Wednesday. I thought he was just getting ready to celebrate my birthday with me.
Then, he started telling me more and more about how much he loved me, and his hole in his soul had nothing to do with me. He started giving me some of his belongings and telling me to hold onto them for good luck and too help me remember him always.
I said, " Why"?
He goes " Just in case"!
I said, " In case of what"?
He says, "You never know what might happen in life nothings written in stone!".
I said, " True"!
But I knew there was more to what he was saying than that. Sure enough my birthday strolls around the corner and Ryan and I hadn't seen each other all day. I asked teachers and friends if they had seen him. They all said no he must be out sick.
I said, " Ryan out sick"! He always Comes to school"!
The day went on at school for me. It was very lonely. After school, I decided to go to his house and see what was up with him. Little did I know I was walking into a mess. As soon as I walked into the house I began looking for Ryan. I found him in his room on the floor with a knife.
I asked him what he was doing and he said, " I can't take it anymore"!
I said, " Take what Hun"?
He says " This pain inside of me that's eating me away"!
I told him it was going to be okay and I was going to help him through it. He refused. He decide he wanted out of this world and began cutting his arm as I was in the room. I asked him too stop and gave him reason to keep living like,
"We have a future together remember!"
" You want a big family and lots of pets!"
He just keep cutting like I wasn't even talking to him. I knelt down beside him to afraid too touch him and looked up into his eyes and saw all the pain pouring out of him. I knew I had to do something fast, but wasn't sure what.
I told him to stop and think about what he was doing and how selfish it was to take his own life. Then I left the room to go and call for help, and to get in touch with his parents. After, the phone calls I went back into the room with him.
He looked at me and said, " I love You Turtle"!
I said," I love you too, but why are you doing this?"
He then just put the knife to his neck so fast I couldn't even say no. He had sliced his throat wide open. Blood dripped down and I began to tremble and freak out and cry. It worked me up so bad I passed out.
Later on that night I woke up in the hospital all in shock because of what had happened. I wanted to believe it was just a dream, but it wasn't it was real. Ryan had committed suicide right before my eyes. My best friend was gone. I didn't know how to go on. I just kept asking everyone why and blaming myself for not trying harder to stop him.
Of coarse I ended up in therapy and going down the same kind of path Ryan had been down.I began to understand why he had done what he done. He couldn't handle it. It was a pain that erased all feeling inside you. All you wanted to feel was something.
Yes, I started down the road of destruction soon after Ryan's death. I couldn't handle not having him in my life. I felt so alone and so empty inside. I couldn't handle what had happened or my life without him. It just didn't feel real.
There was no one to make me smile or laugh and show me love. There would be no more adventures to the fair or the mall. No more throwing chocolate cover raisins at someones head in the movie theaters. No more of nothing. No more Ryan.My heart was broken and shattered on the floor. I thought it would take someone really special to pick the pieces of my heart up off the floor and put them back together again.
I didn't know how to make my feelings of pain go away or how to fill the lonely spots inside my soul. I was willing to try every thing to get the thoughts of suicide out of my head. I didn't want to go down the same road he did.
I remember screaming at the top of my lungs at my favorite little place in the woods saying "GOD IF YOU HEAR ME GIVE ME A SIGN!"
Soon after that, a sign from God is what I got. Below my feet was an angel necklace. The angel on the chain was so beautiful and different. It was almost like it had power to it. I knelt down and picked it up and held it in my hands.
I began saying "God what is this and what are you trying to tell me?"
I opened my hands back up and the necklace was gone. I looked everywhere for it but couldn't find it. I stood up and asked God what the hell had just happened and it felt like someone was holding me and had put something around my neck, but I couldn't see anything, I could only feel. It was a feeling of peace inside my heart and soul. My whole body felt relieved inside. I began saying I don't know what happened but it was amazing.
I began walking home and noticed the angel necklace was around my neck. I was in such shock. I thought it must have been Ryan saying
"Its going to be okay and you need to keep going on with life you have so much to live for."
But, I was still wondering where the angel necklace came from and why I had it. It took me a moment to figure out, but it began to come to me. He had always called me his little angel. Sure enough I knew it was a sign from God and Ryan saying its okay to go on. What happened wasn't your fault and I'm sorry.
As soon as I got home there was one of my girl friends waiting outside for me on the stairs. She had come over to see how I was doing and asked if I wanted to go for some food and do a bit of shopping. I said sure. I knew I had to do something and I had to let go of the pain in my soul. So that night I went out with my girl friend and began a new journey knowing I would always have Ryan inside my heart with me all the time.
